chickenfickle

I remember when I was pregnant with The Girl, my boss asked me if I had started having the “Irrational Fears” yet. I said, No, what are you talking about? She told me that when she was pregnant with her first child, her boss had told her about them. It’s when you imagine all these crazy things that will never happen to you. For example, her fear was that she would drop a pot of boiling sugar on herself (she was a pastry chef and I was her assistant.) Hot boiling sugar would be bad, yes, but what are the chances of dropping it on yourself? Pretty slim. My favorite was going to 7 Eleven and getting held up with your kids. First, when is the last time you went to 7 Eleven? And second, most places aren’t held up during the day so why are you out with your kids at 2am, anyway? And in what neighborhood? Again, never gonna happen. But when she told me about them, I couldn’t stop thinking of all the stuff that could happen.

After The Girl was born, I remember being on the stairs of our house and stopping midway, thinking, what if I fell? I would be unconscious and my baby would be stuck here with no way to call for help, crying, while I’m dying. Needless, to say, I didn’t fall and I’m still alive. But it was that kind of thinking that made me stop for a second, paralyzed with fear of what might happen, not what really would, but could. If I let fear take hold of me, what would I miss and regret?

A few days ago, a friend sent me a message about people and their top five regrets:
5) not living the life they wanted but doing what someone else wanted them to do;
4) working too hard;
3) not expressing their feelings;
2) not staying in touch with friends;
and 1) not being happier.

I thought about those things and what, if any, regrets I have. Luckily, I’ve pretty much lived my life the way I wanted. Maybe not all the time, but for the most part, I’ve gotten to do what I wanted and I’ve had some pretty interesting experiences. As for not working too hard, well, Husband and I made a decision to put our family first. He works out of the house and I don’t work at all, unless you count raising our kids and taking care of the house (and I sure as hell count it.) We don’t make as much as we would if he went to an office or traveled or if I worked even part time. But, the tradeoff is well worth it. We have less money but more time with the kids and each other. #3, expressing my feelings, not a problem. I say what I think and I admit, sometimes it comes out awkward, but never with malicious intent. I may not be graceful in my delivery but I don’t regret saying it. As for staying in touch with friends, that is hard. We were out of our hometown for a long time and lost touch with a lot of people. Lately, I’ve gotten back together with some of them and it’s been great. I hope to keep it up but I know that people change and sometimes, it’s just best to let things fade. But I’m never going to say no to a friend, new or old. Come back anytime. Lastly, I want to be happy. I want to see the happiness in my life everyday. And I know that the first four regrets have to go or I won’t be able to do that. I have a lot to be happy about and if I can clear out the irrational fears and regrets, then the happy things can come out more. We all deserve to be happy. Put on a squeaky nose and go to the park.

The message from my friend ended with the advice to live your life consciously, wisely, honestly and happily. I try to be aware of what’s going on around me, make good decisions, be true to myself and have fun. If it means writing silly blogs on Chickenfickle (which is a crazy name and makes me smile to say it) then so be it. And if it means reading them, well, be my happy guest.